Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Love, Regret and Pizza

I was really shitty to my boy yesterday.
I mean really shitty. Not "grouchy" or "thoughtless," but out and out mean.
It's hard to talk about, but I know that we've all done it. I decided it might help me lay down the burden of it if I just put it out there.
I just lost it because I had expectations and they were not met. I wanted to go the unschooling park day and visit with friends and I wanted Finn to play with the other children or at least just play on the playscape so I could have a chance to NOT play with him. Well, firstly, it wasn't park day. My days have been really off for some reason (maybe this lingering flu/cough/malaise/plague?). That put me in a grouchy mood. I wanted to connect with some mamas, especially one I have been trying to connect with for awhile. Then Finny was really needing me to stay close. Close as in RIGHT THERE EVERY SECOND. I followed him around for awhile and then I told him I was gonna sit right there and just watch while he climbed. About, oh, 5 seconds later he came over and said he was surrrre feeling hungry and thirsty (we had plans to go eat pizza after being at the park). At this point I was just overtaken by a demon mother. Where she came from, I have no idea. I hope to never meet her again. I grabbed my keys and stormed out of the park with him running behind...it got worse before it got better. I said some ugly things that I can't even bring myself to remember much less write. We were both crying as we drove to the pizza place. We got inside and I ordered his pizza. I came and sat down and we both started crying and crying. I took him in my arms and rocked him while sobbing my apologies. The sweet pizza guy boxed our food up without being asked and we drove home. We climbed on the couch and held each other for an hour. I cried and cried and told him how terribly, terribly sorry I was. I told him all that I thought had happened and he listened and we talked. He said it was all OK. That he was mad and sad, but that he knew I didn't mean what I said and that he loved me anyway.
I asked him to try and tell me how he feels when we are somewhere and he can't play without me. HOW that feels inside him - to help me better understand. He said, and I quote (with tears streaming down my face):
"When you're far away from me my heart feels very tiny. When I know you're close by, it feels bigger. My heart feels better when it is bigger. It feels scary when it's tiny."
SO, today we had a redo. We went to the same park and I told him that I would stay right with him and play with him and stay just as close as he needed me. We had a really good time. I figure today is Day One of being the best mama I can be. I can't do anything about yesterday that I haven't already done, but I sure can try not to do that again.
Expectations! They are just the cause of so much crap in my life. That's my new goal - I'm trying to stay in the moment and out of expectation. I am actually grateful for that terrible few moments. They were a reminder to me of who and what I do not want to be. They provided me with valuable contrast. The contrast between who I want to be and who I sometimes am. I HATED the way I felt when I was so mad. I choose to try and not feel that way anymore. Now, I have this experience of "when I go to the park with Finn I need to not have any expectations of how he will play." I have that information now and I will choose to use it. I am growing. OW.
Thank god my sweet son and I have a relationship that is based in love and respect. I know we're not permanently wounded by my crap. We're raw and tender, but really OK.
Love,
Michele, Jack (in England) and Finnigan the Curious

1 comment:

Erica said...

You are doing something right for Finn to be able to express himself so clearly. His "heart" quote is so beautiful! When I see you two together I see a couple in love with mutual respect. You are a great momma and I look forward to spending more time at the park with you AND Finn!